From the desk of a psychologist!

Teenophobia- The cure

India is rapidly changing as a country. People, thinking, attitudes, relationships almost everything is changing. The equation between parents and children are also going through a huge transition. As we all know by now, change is good but often painful.

I am a person, who witnesses both sides of the coin. I don’t know whether I should take it as an advantage or not because it makes me feel for both and I find myself in a fix. I understand the dilemma both go through on an everyday level.  There are a lot of confusions, frustrations, irritations which leads to utter chaos.

If you are a parent of a teenage child, these are some of the statements you often must have heard,

” You need to trust me”,                  

” If everyone is allowed to do it, why can’t I?”,

” My friends understand me better than you.”

” Why do you compare me, all the time?”

” Why should I do something just because you want me to?”

” What’s your problem with my phone or computer use…It is my life!”

” You are never satisfied or happy with me.”

And as a parent you must have seen yourself repeating these sentences over and over,

” Do you even listen to me.”

” Put the phone down.”

” You need to do this because I say so.”

” Where is your respect?”

” I am just asking for a little responsibility.”

” I have seen the world, trust me.”

The gap, between both of you, all of a sudden looks so huge. Something, somewhere has changed drastically in a couple of years. It is like as a parent you were doing great and now nothing you do is sufficient.

Every day I have at least a couple of sessions which give me the feeling of déjà vu. After dealing with quite a number of these cases, I have understood some things, which  I would like to share with you today:

  • There is a lot of Miscommunication or Lack of communication between an adolescent and parent: While talking to both the parties, I have realized one thing…both have a lot to say to each other, which they never do.

Parents are generally uncomfortable in talking about certain issues, like sex, substance abuse, which leads to them either opting to not talk about it at all or becoming overly aggressive as soon as the topic is brought up.. This also makes the kids uncomfortable. They sense the discomfort of their parents and find it easier to hide or lie about it.

  • As parents, we need to understand that the world is changing, as so is our culture. We need to be aware about what  the general trends are as far as the freedom and independence of our kids are concerned. We need to know the outing hours, frequency of peer outings, time on laptops and phones of the friends of our kids.We can neither live in the last century, nor just let go of all the rights of a parent.

It is always a good idea to be in regular contact with the parents’ of the peers of our teenager. We should know what is being allowed and accepted by others. This will help us with the typical, ” The rest of the parents are cool with it.”

  • We need to have our own home rules and regulations. It should be talked with the adolescent and make them understand the point and the reasons behind them. It is also a good idea to abide by these rules yourself before implementing it.  They will learn the best when they will see you rather than hear you.
  • It is a good idea to always give them the reason behind your decisions. Just because you have gone through a childhood, where rules were made without any questions and answers, that doesn’t mean you could do the same.

If you’ll make decisions without giving reasons, you’ll lose the trust of your child. They will start taking you as a dictator and stop sharing their thoughts and issues with you. They will think that their friends understand them in a better way than you.

Generally, I have seen that you stop giving reasons when you yourself are out of it. Reflect and see, whether the point you’re sticking to is even worth it?

  • There is also a major issue of ‘talking back’ of children: The generation we are talking about is very forthright. They will ask till they get an answer, which they like. We need to understand it and should be tactful in such situations.

If the ‘ talking back’ becomes disrespectful, you need to be clearly voice it to your teenager. There also is a need for the presence of proper consequences when there is crossing of limits, which needs to be decided beforehand.

You should always remember that whatever is the situation, you need to be emotionally available for your adolescent.

For a teenager, the times are really difficult. They are going through change within them as well as the outside world . They are highly confused and as a result very vulnerable. Be gentle with them.

Your child is seeking support, though it comes with an attitude. You can’t blame them, it is their age of confusions!

P.S. If you are a teenager reading this article, I have a message for you. Your parents love and care for you and that is why they always want to protect you from this big bad world. They are scared and don’t know how to reach you. Help them help you!

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Comments on: "Teenophobia- The cure" (6)

  1. Your last 4 lines explains the whole post.Since we have become parents now we can understand that parents do all these things to protect their children.But rewind our lives 20 years back.I agree world has changes dramatically in last 20 years,but for our parents in 1990s same situation was there.Since we both are from same school we know how frequently we used to break all the rules.I used to become a rebel in house.Since I was not allowed to go to movies,I used to skip classes,tuitions to watch them.I mean to say this generation gap will be always there.yes communication will lessen the gap but cannot abolish it.

    • unwrappingminds said:

      I so agree with you Avin! The generation gap is always going to be there but we need tools to reach out to our kids.
      There is also the blast of media exposure which this generation has to deal with.

  2. Dr. Michael C. McDonough A.F.Ps.S.I. said:

    I have lived and practiced as a psychologist in three countries and three very different cultures. I have heard all the above in each setting. Thank you for bringing this to the fore for all to be aware. Keep up the good work

  3. It is nicely served-being a Psychological Counsellor I also meet parents and adolescents with this emotional status-It is very much appropriate-what I have found everyday for my professional reason it is well described by you. As parents we need to stay connected with our adolescent children, otherwise a great loss will happen at ant moment- our children should be secured by the emotional presence of their parents, otherwise ever thing will be mess within a second-so please mange them appropriately with the tips given above.

  4. It is nicely served-being a Psychological Counsellor I also meet parents and adolescents with this emotional status-It is very much appropriate-what I have found everyday for my professional reason it is well described by you. As parents we need to stay connected with our adolescent children, otherwise a great loss will happen at any moment- our children should be secured by the emotional presence of their parents, otherwise every thing will be mess within a second-so please mange them appropriately with the tips given above.

  5. Of course, what a fantastic blog and instructive posts, I surely will bookmark your blog.Best Regards!

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