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Archive for the ‘Anger Management’ Category

“Who to be and Who not to be”

Recently lost a colleague, who was struggling with cancer. A person who was disciplined, focused and always working for the future. He seldom enjoyed the present as that diverted him from his focus. After the feeling of sadness and loss, came the reiteration to my learning of cherishing the present.

Most of us know this very well, we have read & heard about it all the time. Then what makes it so difficult to follow.

I would say one major reason is the people we are with. I am a true believer of “the power lies within us” but at the same time totally appreciate the significance of Influencers.  These are the people who give direction to our thought processes, change our moods & can play with our feelings. These influencers can be easily categorized into the positive, neutral & negative.

Think of the people you stay with and you can see them fitting into one of these categories.  There are the ones who make you feel better, good about yourself as well as the situation you are in, consequently encouraging you to live in the moment. The second category is of those who are there but very rarely cross your path of thoughts and feelings, usually is in sync with almost everything you say or do. Then there are those who make you feel unsure, doubts yourself and everyone and fills you with negativity forcing you to leave the present. 126030489542970752_Ch8EfMZu_c

But the most integral part about these influencers are their dynamic state. It is interesting to observe that a single person is in different categories viz a viz various people. A single person could be the positive influencer for someone while can play the negative one for someone else.

Take our relationships as chemical reactions. Certain types of personality types with distinct personality traits when mixed with other kinds can yield different results. Which can or can’t be pleasant.

As two substances when mixed gives a totally rare output the same is true with us. When we interact with a certain person the whole experience is  typical to that  person only. From here it becomes simple to understand the chemical reaction which we have with some people yielding positive or negative results.

Be aware, start reflecting on your relationships & interactions. Start spending more time with people who help you live in the moment. Bring out the positives in you, love to laugh and can make you see the good part in all the situations.  Stay away from those who drain the energy out of you, make you run away from the present and make you doubt yourself.This means you need to start assessing the people around you.

I am not encouraging you to be selfish but just to start loving yourself!

 

Why do we hurt those whom we love the most?

Have you ever seen best friends turning the worst of foes, lovers hating each other & brother becoming enemies? My guess would be, if you are a person who have spent a substantial amount of time in this world, you wouldn’t have only seen something like this but most probably have been a part of it.

First of all, this world teaches us to be very stingy with our love and even if we decide to spread it, trust is always an issue. Somewhere we come out of this muddle to start our journey on the path of love. This love could be for a friend, a sweetheart or a relative. We enjoy our journey till our loved one emotionally hurts us. Let’s be honest, we are human beings and sooner or later something will come in our relationship which would not please us. Two individuals could never exist simultaneously without differences.

What happens when we have a conflict with a person we don’t know very well? Nothing much, we end up criticizing the person, discussing it with a close one and totally forgetting about it.

But, what happens, when we have the same or lesser kind of conflict with a loved one?

WE WANT TO HURT THE PERSON MORE THAN THE HURT HE IS GIVING US!

It is better to hurt and make the other person go through the same hell you are going through, rather than being hurt alone. It is crazy to admit the power the other person has over you. You go into a rage and without thinking start saying or doing things which not only hurt you & the other person but also the relationship. Whenever we love a person we give a lot of power to that person and it frustrates us  when we don’t feel the same importance reciprocated.

Then comes the role of our EGO. After the episode, even if we feel bad and want to patch stuff, our ego doesn’t allow us to do so. We live with the bleak feeling which kills us, we want to be with the other person but decide to continue burning in the fire of rage even if it makes us sad and miserable.  ” I fed my EGO, but not my soul.”-Yakov Smirnoff

Then there is this expectation of being in a perfect relationship. We expect everything from one single person. We grow up with this fantasy, media makes it stronger, of having an ideal relationship which obviously means the other person need to be perfect. We can’t cope with our partners’ challenges & limitations, and that makes us mad at them. We start overlooking their positives and get caught in the web of negativities, resulting in us hurting our loved ones more and more.

We are also the closest to them, so they are the ones who know us best. It is inevitable that they are also aware of our limitations and if in a healthy relationship, they’ll share it with us. It is very difficult to take criticism from a loved one. We become vindictive and try to find immediate faults in them too, to get even!

It is always difficult to have an objective conversation with a loved one because we are always going to be in the same picture. Even after several rehearsals in our minds, most of the time a conversation ends up being an argument destroying mood as well as losing the whole point which needed to be conveyed.

All of this makes our hurt turn into Hate and the intensity of our feelings depends on how much we Love the person!

If you really want to be happy in a relationship, here are some steps:

  • Accept your partner with their challenges. No one is perfect…that goes for you too! If you feel you’re tolerating someone, maybe the other person is feeling the same.
  • Never react when you are angry because at that time your anger controls you!
  • The moment you  let go of your Ego, you’ll make space for your partner in your world.
  • Be open to positive criticism from a loved one.
  • If you feel your steps aren’t working, seek an objective view.

” Everyone says that love hurts. But that’s not true. Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.” Anonymous

Partial Acceptance

If you’ve read my posts, you would know I am a firm believer in the first step of acceptance.

For any change in us, we need to ACCEPT that there is a need for change.      

For any growth in us, we need to ACCEPT that there is a need for growth.

For any desire in us, we need to ACCEPT the need for it.

Even for being at the same place, we need to ACCEPT that we are happy with our present state.

So, acceptance is the key but what is acceptance?

You’ll say when you realize and give your approval to a particular situation or thing. And it is so right, when we start gaining  insight of a situation. It starts from becoming uncomfortable with a certain thing/ situation, realizing that something is not right and some work need to be done.

Analyze the situation, understand the issue and then accept that we need to change!

A mother having problems with managing her child with a disorder, won’t be able to do the needful until she accepts that her child needs help. A marital problem can’t be sorted until the people involved accept that there is a problem in their relationship. You’ll only be happy if you accept your original self with your challenges and strengths.

As an individual, when do you feel complete and secure. When you accept yourself as you are without any ifs and buts but is it so simple to achieve?

We struggle with the acceptance with our excuses and reasoning. We accept our challenges but not fully and consequently our work with  them is also partial. We like to go for partial acceptance because it allows us to live in a fake world without dealing with our inner conflict. This also makes us look for recognition from others, makes us lose confidence in ourselves. We stop the process of growth because we start living in the denial of there is no room for improvement.

Think about it, when was the last time you accepted something without any buts. If you are honest to yourself, you’re going to have a problem in recollecting it. May be you were fully accepting but that lasted for some time and if the time length was long the acceptance was not 100%. The moment you start having problems with acceptance, your growth goes through a downfall. You start putting your reasoning and stop the process.

So, what is the way of working on acceptance?

Be honest to yourself and embrace yourself the way you are. There is no place for bargaining. The moment you’ll surrender you will see the possibilities. You enable yourself by giving the strength of acceptance and working on your limitations.

For eg., Tina needs to work on her empathy. She realized that  a lot of time she is insensitive to people’s emotions. In the beginning she had issues in accepting her insensitiveness. Whenever she tried, her brain told her yes you did cross the line but what about certain situations where you were not so bad. This struggle went on for a while, until she realized she really need to do something about her situation, otherwise would end up as a loner. She understood her need to surrender to her insensitiveness, which in turn will help her accept it and work on it.

Until you live in denial you are snatching opportunities from yourself for growth. You’ll keep on fighting acceptance of your challenges and would fail in leading a contended life leading to restlessness and confusion. You’ll try to find the answers without any success.

Do remember acceptance is a process and need to be worked on everyday basis. If you are ready for being a better individual come out of your partial acceptance mirage and then you’ll see there is no limit for growth!

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life’s challenges vigorously. Don’t numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.” – J. Donald Walters

Anger Management in early years

This is not one of my articles but some ways I have collated from different sources. I have found them really effective and would like to share it with all of you. Feel free to add tips which have worked with you or you’ve seen them working on others.

We all need to learn to express anger in a productive way instead of holding it in or lashing out at others. But how do you teach a child, especially one who is all emotion all the time, to react in a productive way when her feelings overwhelm her?

Consider these tips :

1. Teach that Anger is Okay, But Not Violence It’s one of the most unsettling emotions a parent can deal with, but many agree that a child’s anger is as natural as love or happiness. However, it’s tricky to try to teach the under-five set that while it is okay to feel mad, there are good and bad ways to deal with it.

2. Watch Your Own Temper Parents who scream and swear every time a driver cuts them off en route to school or yells at another mom in the school registration line can expect their child to handle their anger much the same way. “It is not easy, but if we are not able to do it ourselves, how can we expect a five-year-old to deal with his anger?”

3. Teach Them to Take Breaks or Walk Away A mom’s instinct is to protect her children. So it’s hard not to feel sorry if your child has been wronged. But moms/adults need to teach their children that they can’t get back at the offender with certain behaviors such as biting, hitting or swearing. What could we do [to make it right]?’ That gets a child thinking, rather than simply reacting.” A good strategy is to teach them to walk away if a child is lashing out in anger, and go tell mummy/teacher that he/she was angry and he/she needed help.

4. Give Them Words to Express Feelings Preschool-aged kids need to discover the right words to express their feelings, but the adults need to show them how.

5. Keep Outbursts in Perspective If you want to help your child learn to express himself and his anger more effectively, understand they he is trying to learn by testing limits

. 6. Help Them Feel Safe Anger is often justified, but your role is to help your child find a safe way and a safe place to express his feelings of frustration. “

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