From the desk of a psychologist!

Archive for the ‘Doubt’ Category

People Pleaser aka Master Manipulator

“If you live for people’s acceptance,you will die from their rejection.” Lecrae

You are born a  person who is humble & polite with everyone; a good human being, not hurting anyone. In the process you somehow starts getting uncomfortable with conflicts, you like people being happy with you. Gradually you can’t afford displeasing them, you’ve to make them happy at any cost. It becomes a self inflicting game of keeping everyone content at each given moment of time. The web grows from being at toes for one person to many. You start weaving stories, drowning in lies to cater to the needs of people around you.

My observation & research have shown a strong connection between people pleasing and self esteem. A person going through a low self esteem phase would love when people are nice to them. You make sure that you agree with whatever they say,do or think. You generally are the favourite sidekick, giving yourself an identity too. It sure does bring a short-lived sense of belongingness turning soon into strong feeling of worthlessness.

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The problem sprouts when you are close to two people having contradictory mindsets. You do the same routine, manipulating your words & actions as the need be. The saddest part is, apart from being a manipulator, you lose yourself!

Self bashing becomes our life style. We get stuck in this vicious loop. Our fear of disappointing people stops us to even do rational thinking. We suffer but we oblige.Sometimes, we helplessly see that we are being taken advantage of and do nothing about it.

People pleasing is a dangerous addiction, here are few ways to try sobriety :

  • Identify & stop the cycle of manipulation: You certainly can’t be a ‘Yes Man’ to all. Understand how sometimes you twist facts or information to make everyone happy and avoid conflicts.
  • Work on your self esteem: You don’t need others approval to feel good about yourself. Find a way to uplift your self esteem, sometimes a professional support helps.
  • It is okay to displease/disappoint people: As they say, you can please some people all the time, all the people for sometime, not all the people all the time. You’ll have few who won’t be contented by your actions, but that means you do have a voice of your own. Be proud of your identity and savor it.
  • Get comfortable with conflict situation: With the flourishing of your identity, you’ll face contradictions and conflicts. These are essentials for growth as a person. With conflicts come clarity.
  • Stop mincing words: You have a mind & voice, which means you’ll think and that will be expressed through your words. Please don’t try to hide your opinions in a gift wrap. Say exactly what you mean and sometimes not in so many words. People need to listen to YOU.
  • Self Care:They say;  the way we mistreat ourselves, if somebody did half of it we would kill the person. It is high time to make yourself priority. You need to please someone, let it be you.

It will take time, you don’t change overnight. Be positive, patient & persistent…be you!

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Aside

“End your Bout with all the Doubt”

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
Khalil Gibran

Ever felt the silent crawling of doubt on you?

It is really interesting how it starts with a small, tiny thought and without any warning it starts affecting your whole thought process and consequently engulfs your actions and every walking step of your life. It’s like a web which multiplies manifolds by itself.

We are human beings and doubt is actually a part of who we are. We can’t really be away from it. It helps us seek truth.

But what happens when doubt prevails without  facts. A lot of times, doubt stops us from taking risks, believing in ourselves and our capabilities. We start by sowing a seed of doubt in our thinking process and in no time it grows itself into a tree which starts taking decisions on our behalf. Without seeking the truth, we follow our doubts blindly leading to misery, sorrowfulness and end up limiting our growth.

“What if…” becomes the starting point of every thought which emerges within us. We create our own stories with the results already decided. This makes our actions and reactions towards people and situations more negative. We dread being in positive environment because doubt has conveniently put blinders on us.

May be when you’ll read this, you would be able to recognize some patterns in yourself. The only solution in such situation is, TAKING THE LEAP OF FAITH. ability.cultivation

Faith in the almighty. Faith in a Power that is beyond you and faith in whatever happens, happens for the best. This step of yours will stop feeding your doubts and ceases its growth and power on you. You start taking things objectively leading to sending positive vibes and restating faith in yourself.

Let go of your doubt with step towards faith!

 

 

 

Rogue Relationship

Sometimes you know that some relationships are more toxic than being a support. You understand that it’s a mistake making your life heavy and exhausting . You spend all your energy & happiness meeting the expectations but nothing suffices. In this vicious cycle you lose your personality, identity & the want of living.

Deep down you also know the only solution but refuse to accept it to yourself let alone the world. There could be several reasons for you being in the dysfunctional situation:

  • You are scared of hurting yourself as well as your loved ones.
  • Have become addicted to this relationship and like a substance abuser know the repercussion but doesn’t have the power to come out of it.
  • You even refuse to accept the truth to yourself & live with the hope of a miracle going to happen someday.
  •  Don’t want people to feel sorry for you.
  • The fear of unknown.

If any of these rings a bell, break the chains and start living your life from today. Let go of it because this relationship is like a virus, which will eat you and make you forget to live the only life you’ve got.

I know saying it is really easy while even thinking of implementing makes you shiver. Take the step to liberate the real you. In the beginning, go through the process of  healing which may involve grieving for your dead relationship but all of this will actually empower you. You would love to find your confidence again and letting go of the shame & guilt developed during the relationship.

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
Dr. Seuss

Warning: Before taking the step be sure that you are in a dysfunctional relationship. Don’t take a low phase as the whole relationship. Be objective and if you can’t seek external help to decide. This post is strictly for those you are a part of an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

 

Is it a Pretty Ugly World?

 

For every Scoundrel, there is a hero;

For every selfish politician, there is a dedicated leader;

For every enemy there is a friend.

Of late, I was quite bothered by my life’s experiences. Either I was being taken advantage of or a close one was getting duped. It was varying from a small level to being critically harmful to my sanity. As I have shared earlier I am a heart person and all of these incidents were really pulling me down and giving all ‘brains & logic people’ ( who care for me) reasons to point of  my naïvety.

Thanks to Mr. Abraham Lincoln’s letter to his son, which I came across today, I am still a believer. Let’s be honest to ourselves and reflect on our life. Isn’t it true that because we have a few bad experiences with people, we start doubting each and everyone. When was the last time you felt like a fool in doubting someone who actually helped you and proved you wrong?

It is like a tainted glass which is in front of us all the time. We see everyone through it. We also remember these bad experiences too vividly which leads us to actually put the good ones in the back of our mind or forget them altogether. Media also has a major role in this. Any negative incident has to be sensationalized and given full coverage and the positive ones are generally boring. It is repeated so many times  in front of us that we take it as a fact of life that this is a BAD BAD WORLD!

One more reason for us to be apprehensive is ‘ NO ONE LIKES TO BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF’. Whenever we are cheated, it leaves with a feeling of us being outsmarted. We feel like a fool, so it is better to be careful than sorry. I wouldn’t trust than be hurt again.

But my question is, is it healthy to live in a world which you can’t trust ?

I would say NO!

Imagine a world where you have no one you could trust and you are always on the lookout for the stabbers. How would you feel? It would lead you to actually lose your sanity. There will be unhealthy doubts, apprehensions, reluctance, suspicion & skepticism. It would become a really dark place, where you would forget how to LIVE.      It starts showing on your health too  as depression, blood pressure, stress and above all paranoia. 

 

Let’s embrace the world of duality. It is a world of both good and bad. If you have been pushed by one person, another will come and hold your hand. Please don’t shut yourselves from the positive experiences and interactions because of the fear of the negative ones. Humanity is beautiful, go ahead and experience it with open arms and the world will be yours!

 

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