From the desk of a psychologist!

Archive for the ‘Pain’ Category

“Who to be and Who not to be”

Recently lost a colleague, who was struggling with cancer. A person who was disciplined, focused and always working for the future. He seldom enjoyed the present as that diverted him from his focus. After the feeling of sadness and loss, came the reiteration to my learning of cherishing the present.

Most of us know this very well, we have read & heard about it all the time. Then what makes it so difficult to follow.

I would say one major reason is the people we are with. I am a true believer of “the power lies within us” but at the same time totally appreciate the significance of Influencers.  These are the people who give direction to our thought processes, change our moods & can play with our feelings. These influencers can be easily categorized into the positive, neutral & negative.

Think of the people you stay with and you can see them fitting into one of these categories.  There are the ones who make you feel better, good about yourself as well as the situation you are in, consequently encouraging you to live in the moment. The second category is of those who are there but very rarely cross your path of thoughts and feelings, usually is in sync with almost everything you say or do. Then there are those who make you feel unsure, doubts yourself and everyone and fills you with negativity forcing you to leave the present. 126030489542970752_Ch8EfMZu_c

But the most integral part about these influencers are their dynamic state. It is interesting to observe that a single person is in different categories viz a viz various people. A single person could be the positive influencer for someone while can play the negative one for someone else.

Take our relationships as chemical reactions. Certain types of personality types with distinct personality traits when mixed with other kinds can yield different results. Which can or can’t be pleasant.

As two substances when mixed gives a totally rare output the same is true with us. When we interact with a certain person the whole experience is  typical to that  person only. From here it becomes simple to understand the chemical reaction which we have with some people yielding positive or negative results.

Be aware, start reflecting on your relationships & interactions. Start spending more time with people who help you live in the moment. Bring out the positives in you, love to laugh and can make you see the good part in all the situations.  Stay away from those who drain the energy out of you, make you run away from the present and make you doubt yourself.This means you need to start assessing the people around you.

I am not encouraging you to be selfish but just to start loving yourself!

 

Aside

“End your Bout with all the Doubt”

Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
Khalil Gibran

Ever felt the silent crawling of doubt on you?

It is really interesting how it starts with a small, tiny thought and without any warning it starts affecting your whole thought process and consequently engulfs your actions and every walking step of your life. It’s like a web which multiplies manifolds by itself.

We are human beings and doubt is actually a part of who we are. We can’t really be away from it. It helps us seek truth.

But what happens when doubt prevails without  facts. A lot of times, doubt stops us from taking risks, believing in ourselves and our capabilities. We start by sowing a seed of doubt in our thinking process and in no time it grows itself into a tree which starts taking decisions on our behalf. Without seeking the truth, we follow our doubts blindly leading to misery, sorrowfulness and end up limiting our growth.

“What if…” becomes the starting point of every thought which emerges within us. We create our own stories with the results already decided. This makes our actions and reactions towards people and situations more negative. We dread being in positive environment because doubt has conveniently put blinders on us.

May be when you’ll read this, you would be able to recognize some patterns in yourself. The only solution in such situation is, TAKING THE LEAP OF FAITH. ability.cultivation

Faith in the almighty. Faith in a Power that is beyond you and faith in whatever happens, happens for the best. This step of yours will stop feeding your doubts and ceases its growth and power on you. You start taking things objectively leading to sending positive vibes and restating faith in yourself.

Let go of your doubt with step towards faith!

 

 

 

“What hurts them”

First they came for the Jews

and I did not speak out-

because I was not a Jew.

Then they came for the Communists

and I did not speak out-

because I was not a Communist.

Then they came for the trade unionists

and I did not speak out-

because I was not a trade unionist.

Then they came for me-

and there was no one left

to speak out for me.

Pastor Niemoeller, victim of the Nazis.

Ask me if I am a racist or a bully or a prejudiced person and promptly I would reply “NO, I am neither of the three.”

I am an educated person who believes in equality and respects individuals. People are going to accept it as that is the shallow truth. But, if I take the below questionnaire honestly, my answer will be clouded by doubts.

  • Have I ever played with a person’s name or made it subjective to my humor?
  • Have I ever generalized in negative terms about any race or ethical group, disabled, elderly or other people different from ourselves?
  • Have I ever embarrassed someone by calling attention to some of their personal characteristics, mistakes or condition of their lives, families or friends?
  • Have I ever blamed a mishap, misconduct, dispute, loss in competitions on one or few people other than me?
  • Have I ever purposefully ignored or not included a certain person or group of them in my daily activities?
  • Have I ever made or been a part of something which have made a person or few of them so uncomfortable that they have to leave a group?
  • Have I ever made fun or ridiculed the beliefs, clothing, customs or personal habits of a person?
  • Have I ever used my or a friend’s social status to coerce others to do what I wanted them to do?
  • Have I ever forcefully or by other forms of intimidation discouraged or prevented a person or a group of them from participating in a discussion or speaking their minds in social interactions? tumblr_lrbqahrztb1qc2ckz

Be honest to yourself and if your answer is something which is making you not able to meet your eyes…Start the Process of CHANGE!

Every family,group, community,organisation has a culture. People are expected to fit into this culture forgetting their true self. If a person is not able to trust me, we would make him feel miserable because we have been given ourselves a right to make sure the trend is followed. The first step is to become AWARE of the pressure we put on people to behave in the way we want them to. And next time before you do it, just stop for a minute and think if the same happens to us, would we be able to be handle it.

Remember all of us have this innate need to progress and be a better person. This process relies on change, which is an  everyday process. We will have days of our highs and lows but as long as we are working on becoming a better person, we are moving forward.

“We apathise they abuse”

I read a book today. It is called “The Kid Trapper” by Julia Cook. I need to share the jist of it and the situation of this boy ( being a counselor even I know someone like him).

This boy who was trapped in a sexually abusive situation.

How did he get into it?

Simple easy steps which works every time

A friendly stranger makes you feel special

Invite you for a fun time in his place ( or a secluded one)

Let you do something, you always wanted to, but your parents never allowed you to do so

And once you are done, his game begins

Because you did something, you don’t want your parents to know you have to fulfill his wish

The wishes will grow & grow

This is the moment you know, you are TRAPPED

He will make sure you never talk to anyone about it and feel dirty and responsible for the situation. Trust me, that is his power and his biggest weapon. Your fear and shame. picture-to-represent-child-poverty-581748424

You feel your parents/loved ones will hate you if they would come to even know about it but that is your biggest mistake. They love you and they would never be able to forgive themselves if you won’t reach out to them. The moment you’ll talk, the web will disappear.

Parents/ Adults/loved ones:

Do you know?

There is no specific description of an abuser. He could be anyone and anywhere and most of the time he is a very close one.

Be there for your child. Give him the strength to reach you. Be a friend, who doesn’t even need words to feel the pain of his loved one.

Sometimes, because of our own fears, we convey this message to our children that talking about sex ( or sexual abuse) is unacceptable. We believe in the ostrich syndrome…lets dig our heads in the sand rather than looking at the problem.

Though it sounds rare but this is the most common type of abuse which exists anywhere & everywhere!

Please, lets accept this as a fact that sexual predators do exist among us, rather than feeling ashamed and going in a cocoon about it because without this acceptance we will never be able to feel comfortable in talking to them about it and consequently will not be able to equip our kids with the necessary skills to identify and deal with them.

 

 

Rogue Relationship

Sometimes you know that some relationships are more toxic than being a support. You understand that it’s a mistake making your life heavy and exhausting . You spend all your energy & happiness meeting the expectations but nothing suffices. In this vicious cycle you lose your personality, identity & the want of living.

Deep down you also know the only solution but refuse to accept it to yourself let alone the world. There could be several reasons for you being in the dysfunctional situation:

  • You are scared of hurting yourself as well as your loved ones.
  • Have become addicted to this relationship and like a substance abuser know the repercussion but doesn’t have the power to come out of it.
  • You even refuse to accept the truth to yourself & live with the hope of a miracle going to happen someday.
  •  Don’t want people to feel sorry for you.
  • The fear of unknown.

If any of these rings a bell, break the chains and start living your life from today. Let go of it because this relationship is like a virus, which will eat you and make you forget to live the only life you’ve got.

I know saying it is really easy while even thinking of implementing makes you shiver. Take the step to liberate the real you. In the beginning, go through the process of  healing which may involve grieving for your dead relationship but all of this will actually empower you. You would love to find your confidence again and letting go of the shame & guilt developed during the relationship.

“Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.”
Dr. Seuss

Warning: Before taking the step be sure that you are in a dysfunctional relationship. Don’t take a low phase as the whole relationship. Be objective and if you can’t seek external help to decide. This post is strictly for those you are a part of an emotionally abusive relationship.

 

 

When Sincerity Stings

 

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal. – Oscar Wilde

I was forced to actually be empathetic towards a sincere close one today. This empathy was forced because it actually overlapped with sympathy. If you are confused by the way I am using this great attribute of sincerity, let me tell you how difficult it is for a sincere person to lead a happy and contended life.

You must have heard about what is inside affects the outside. In other words, your inner self reflects on the outer world. You take the whole world the same way you are. So, it is not a shocker when a sincere person expects the same kind of treatment from the whole world.  Though their experiences have tried to wake them up a lot of times and they have even tried and made ample resolutions, still once comfortable they go back in their usual comfort belief system ( of the world being almost as sincere as they are).

They wait for people to do their part they carry out theirs, which most of the time doesn’t happen. It only frustrates them, disturbs their strong principles and sometimes even make them sorry for being sincere.

They need to understand the world is not going to go by their script. The only thing flexible or one can change is your attitude towards life. I am not asking you to be insincere but urging you to start the process of understanding the coexistence of good and bad. If you are sincere, great for you but that doesn’t mean the world is going to be the same. You are going to get a mix. Be prepared for different degrees of sincerity and accept it.

One more thing which we need to understand is sincerity is also subjective. Your meaning of it could be totally different from how someone else defines it. There is also your sincerity priority; something for you could be of high priority in your sincerity barometer while the same thing could be of medium or low priority for a friend. For eg., for some ppl being sincere in a relationship is top most priority while some feel professional sincerity is a must. If both will be together they are going to doubt each other’s personality finding each other being insincere in life. Try to start looking at the whole picture and not blinded by few situations!

A  sincere friend  of mine ( who goes through this situation on a regular basis) suggests that take your experience as a learning process and build your predictor chart of a situation or a person. He does that combined with his intuition and it really helps him deal with various new challenges of life.  If you assess a person as a threat to your sincere world, maintain a logical distance. It makes sense because as we know, we can never change a person and if his behavior is a threat to our peace, change yourself ( by changing the situation as much as possible).

After saying all of this, I would like to end this post by addressing all my sincere close ones; build strategies, make resolutions do whatever you want but the next time you are put on test, you’ll be  hardcore sincere again as it runs in your blood and that is why you remain so dear to us 🙂

 

 

What if…If only?

What is the main thing which comes between us and our happiness? What is it, which stops us from living our life to its fullest?

A simple imaginative ever going comparison of  What if…If only?

Human Beings have this imaginative perfect world in which everything is great ( that is why it is perfect…Duh!). Now, in the real world, they tend to compare everything & everybody with their imaginative perfect world. Nothing real, obviously, couldn’t reach anywhere close to their perfect world counterpart and even if it does, the rating scale again goes higher.

This is true for all of us. How many of us can deny that they don’t have their perfect world in which everything is according to them, no one is there to stop them. We could have a villa full of servants, a beautiful partner without any conditions or could be the ruler of this whole world.  We also have perfect situations in which we win all the arguments and every time we open our mouth something witty or sharp comes out of it. No one can make a fool of us or disrespect us.         

Even though we very well know that its a fake world but in our real world, there is always an unconscious comparison going on. For everything, our mind whispers, what if….if only? This stops us from accepting the reality or being grateful for what we have but actually makes us unhappy, complaining and a cribber.

There is a very thin line between, when we dream of something and it is achievable and we aim for it and those situations which are beyond us. In these situations if we bring out what if…if only, it is only going to flood our lives with regret.  A very good way of judging whether you are crossing the boundary is checking with The Serenity Prayer. It’s the best tool to be as worldly spiritual as possible.

It’s simple, if you want to be happy and contented, stop looking for it. When you look for something, you always have set parameters, let go of your criteria.

You’ll find that happiness is right there, where you are!

“Happiness is making a bouquet of those flowers within reach.” – Unknown

Shut your Mind, Listen to your Heart!

“I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&M’s are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.”- Unknown

Have you really observed a child, he is blessed with the power of innocence and love. He does what he feels like regardless of whether he is making the right moves or not. He is governed by his Heart. I agree that you’ve to grow up and learn the way of the world, but in this learning we are also learning to be shrewd, opportunist and gaining baggage of stress?

Our adult life has become a chess board, where we are always playing against something or someone. There is always a race going on in which we’ve to be on top, in return even if it means stepping over someone else’s territory, we don’t mind. The world has taught us to think, see our gain in a situation and move forward to achieve.

Sadly, in all of this we lose our innate nature of trust, acceptance, unconditional love and the beautiful gift of innocence! We become slaves of our reasoning and mind. We all have the gift of having an inner voice. The voice which guides us, shows us the path of righteousness. We keep muffling that voice everyday, till we become accustomed to living without even realizing it is there.

We have become a human machine, happiness is there but with a condition. We become happy but it is so short-lived because it is always dependent on an outer reason, it seldom comes from within.

When we are born we are not bound with chains. We are like a free bird, which knows how to fly high and be itself but as we grow social conditioning starts tying us in chains. We have to be logical and find reasons in everything. This limits us to experience the whole realm of the beauty of life, as anything which goes beyond our explanation, is trashed by our mind. We also devoid ourselves from a range of emotions because that doesn’t go with our image of a reasonable adult.

When was the last time you heard your heart’s voice?

I know we have priorities and our duties, I am not saying leave all of it . What I am trying to convey here is learning to respond to these situations with the help of the voice which lies within you. I know it is difficult to rely on a voice for an important decision, so why not start with small matters and test the results. Go for a combination of both, strike the right balance!

The world is running after spirituality. What is it? It is not a huge complex phenomenon but a simple connection to oneself. If you want to minimize the inner turbulence, start depending on your inner strength. If something doesn’t make sense to you or you are not comfortable with a decision, pause and reflect and choose the path shown by your heart.

Your brain could let you down but your heart would never! When you’ll start living in harmony with yourself, you’ll see how it will spread around you…It is a ripple effect.


Why do we hurt those whom we love the most?

Have you ever seen best friends turning the worst of foes, lovers hating each other & brother becoming enemies? My guess would be, if you are a person who have spent a substantial amount of time in this world, you wouldn’t have only seen something like this but most probably have been a part of it.

First of all, this world teaches us to be very stingy with our love and even if we decide to spread it, trust is always an issue. Somewhere we come out of this muddle to start our journey on the path of love. This love could be for a friend, a sweetheart or a relative. We enjoy our journey till our loved one emotionally hurts us. Let’s be honest, we are human beings and sooner or later something will come in our relationship which would not please us. Two individuals could never exist simultaneously without differences.

What happens when we have a conflict with a person we don’t know very well? Nothing much, we end up criticizing the person, discussing it with a close one and totally forgetting about it.

But, what happens, when we have the same or lesser kind of conflict with a loved one?

WE WANT TO HURT THE PERSON MORE THAN THE HURT HE IS GIVING US!

It is better to hurt and make the other person go through the same hell you are going through, rather than being hurt alone. It is crazy to admit the power the other person has over you. You go into a rage and without thinking start saying or doing things which not only hurt you & the other person but also the relationship. Whenever we love a person we give a lot of power to that person and it frustrates us  when we don’t feel the same importance reciprocated.

Then comes the role of our EGO. After the episode, even if we feel bad and want to patch stuff, our ego doesn’t allow us to do so. We live with the bleak feeling which kills us, we want to be with the other person but decide to continue burning in the fire of rage even if it makes us sad and miserable.  ” I fed my EGO, but not my soul.”-Yakov Smirnoff

Then there is this expectation of being in a perfect relationship. We expect everything from one single person. We grow up with this fantasy, media makes it stronger, of having an ideal relationship which obviously means the other person need to be perfect. We can’t cope with our partners’ challenges & limitations, and that makes us mad at them. We start overlooking their positives and get caught in the web of negativities, resulting in us hurting our loved ones more and more.

We are also the closest to them, so they are the ones who know us best. It is inevitable that they are also aware of our limitations and if in a healthy relationship, they’ll share it with us. It is very difficult to take criticism from a loved one. We become vindictive and try to find immediate faults in them too, to get even!

It is always difficult to have an objective conversation with a loved one because we are always going to be in the same picture. Even after several rehearsals in our minds, most of the time a conversation ends up being an argument destroying mood as well as losing the whole point which needed to be conveyed.

All of this makes our hurt turn into Hate and the intensity of our feelings depends on how much we Love the person!

If you really want to be happy in a relationship, here are some steps:

  • Accept your partner with their challenges. No one is perfect…that goes for you too! If you feel you’re tolerating someone, maybe the other person is feeling the same.
  • Never react when you are angry because at that time your anger controls you!
  • The moment you  let go of your Ego, you’ll make space for your partner in your world.
  • Be open to positive criticism from a loved one.
  • If you feel your steps aren’t working, seek an objective view.

” Everyone says that love hurts. But that’s not true. Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.” Anonymous

Why do people lie, when it is not even required?

I really liked this lady. Found her very friendly, charming and easygoing. She was so much fun to be with, real friend material. We started hanging out a lot together…and then it happened for the first time, she lied for no proper reason. It was a shocker for me because there was no need to lie in that situation but she did it. Then eventually a pattern appeared. She just lies, reason or no reason!

First it did put me off and I thought of just maintaining my distance but then I understood that this lady is also seeking a friend. She is lonely and slowly  understood the reason for people walking away from her. She complained about the world being devoid of genuine people, without understanding the simple equation of her getting back what she is throwing at the world. She has no clue why people are trying to get as far as possible from her. This lady needed help!

She  just isn’t able to STOP herself and as she lacks insight in her own self, consequently there is no reason to work on it in her life. In her perception the problem lies with the world and she honestly feels that people are not being straightforward. In a lot of texts this kind of problem is often referred to as compulsive lying or pseudologia fantastica.

The major issue with this condition is the inability to understand that there is a problem. It starts as a non conflicting way of getting what you want but slowly a person loses all sense of honesty. The person starts living in a fake world which is weaved by his or her own lies which in their minds is the reality of this world.

Does that mean the person is happy in this self made world?

The answer is NO!

A person who is used to compulsive lying is a very lonely and sad person. Because of the uncontrolled behavior, there is a dearth of people who even want to be with them. They hurt people and as a result have no real friends or loved ones. It is not that these people don’t want love or relationships, on the contrary they yearn for meaningful relationships and feel frustrated when unable to do so.Sometimes because of their uncontrollable behavior they are also not able to hold a job

The reasons of getting into this pattern could be numerous. It may be a  disturbed childhood, positive reinforcement to petty lying, need for approval, trying to create an ideal image and so on. The problem begins when you stop lying by yourself and it just starts governing you. You see yourself lying and you seriously aren’t able to do anything about it as it is beyond YOU!

The first step towards recovery is Acceptance! If you’re the person dealing with it, accept it and if it is a friend, have the talk.

The next step is to seek a therapist. I am from the school of thought which strongly believes that whatever is learnt, COULD ALSO BE VERY WELL UNLEARNT!

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