From the desk of a psychologist!

Posts tagged ‘Acceptance’

Building Tolerance

They say awareness is the key to fight any kind of epidemic, orthodox, illogical belief system & for that matter even our survival or any kind of success . The awareness & knowledge of the holiness of a cow in Featured imageone religion is as important as the significance of sacrificing a goat in other.

I was delighted to see my children being educated about the various Indian festivals in the same way
I was. They got Ramayana to read and I am sure this will give them great insight about how goodness prevails all.
Religion,one of the best ways to inculcate values in the young, impressionable minds.Teach them about Dusshera/Diwali, Eid, Bakried, Baisakhi, Christmas, Easter,Paryushana Parva, Mahavir Jayanti, Pesach, Shavout, Gahanbar….to name a few! Tell you honestly had to refer to google to find out about the main festivals of India ( I am not even talking about the world).
But to actually start thinking on these lines we have to deal with our demons first, our biases,prejudices & lack of awareness. Intolerance creeps out of ignorance.Education shouldn’t be limited to books. Lets create awareness which will gift us with tolerant, sensitive & openminded global young minds. A better me, us leading to a BETTER WORLD!!!

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Upgrade your self!

I’m beautiful in my way
‘Cause God makes no mistakes
I’m on the right track, baby
I was born this way                                       199260_1944591455313_1258298182_32372566_4581018_n

I love this song. It sums it all. I am fine the way God has made me and should be proud of it.

Then why the world talks about changing? They say it’s never too late to change your life or your life doesn’t get better by chance, it gets better by change and so on.

When you think about it in this way it is confusing, you get entangled in your thoughts.

Actually it is quite simple. We all are born in a certain way ( which is beautiful & perfect) but we need up gradation.

Think of it as a software which is inbuilt in your system but needs constant update otherwise it will be obsolete. You need to imbibe change to stay away from spam and run antivirus regularly.

We are born perfect but in our journey of life we catch a lot of viruses. These corrupt the system, that is why the need of CHANGE is there.

As a child we are pure, perfect and that’s our true self. As we grow our values, beliefs & attitudes are altered through our life’s experiences. We keep on putting layers on our true selves to hide our insecurities & challenges.

It’s time to stop, reflect, get rid of the many layers ( viruses) and accept our true beautiful self.

Trust me nothing is going to be more EMPOWERING!

Partial Acceptance

If you’ve read my posts, you would know I am a firm believer in the first step of acceptance.

For any change in us, we need to ACCEPT that there is a need for change.      

For any growth in us, we need to ACCEPT that there is a need for growth.

For any desire in us, we need to ACCEPT the need for it.

Even for being at the same place, we need to ACCEPT that we are happy with our present state.

So, acceptance is the key but what is acceptance?

You’ll say when you realize and give your approval to a particular situation or thing. And it is so right, when we start gaining  insight of a situation. It starts from becoming uncomfortable with a certain thing/ situation, realizing that something is not right and some work need to be done.

Analyze the situation, understand the issue and then accept that we need to change!

A mother having problems with managing her child with a disorder, won’t be able to do the needful until she accepts that her child needs help. A marital problem can’t be sorted until the people involved accept that there is a problem in their relationship. You’ll only be happy if you accept your original self with your challenges and strengths.

As an individual, when do you feel complete and secure. When you accept yourself as you are without any ifs and buts but is it so simple to achieve?

We struggle with the acceptance with our excuses and reasoning. We accept our challenges but not fully and consequently our work with  them is also partial. We like to go for partial acceptance because it allows us to live in a fake world without dealing with our inner conflict. This also makes us look for recognition from others, makes us lose confidence in ourselves. We stop the process of growth because we start living in the denial of there is no room for improvement.

Think about it, when was the last time you accepted something without any buts. If you are honest to yourself, you’re going to have a problem in recollecting it. May be you were fully accepting but that lasted for some time and if the time length was long the acceptance was not 100%. The moment you start having problems with acceptance, your growth goes through a downfall. You start putting your reasoning and stop the process.

So, what is the way of working on acceptance?

Be honest to yourself and embrace yourself the way you are. There is no place for bargaining. The moment you’ll surrender you will see the possibilities. You enable yourself by giving the strength of acceptance and working on your limitations.

For eg., Tina needs to work on her empathy. She realized that  a lot of time she is insensitive to people’s emotions. In the beginning she had issues in accepting her insensitiveness. Whenever she tried, her brain told her yes you did cross the line but what about certain situations where you were not so bad. This struggle went on for a while, until she realized she really need to do something about her situation, otherwise would end up as a loner. She understood her need to surrender to her insensitiveness, which in turn will help her accept it and work on it.

Until you live in denial you are snatching opportunities from yourself for growth. You’ll keep on fighting acceptance of your challenges and would fail in leading a contended life leading to restlessness and confusion. You’ll try to find the answers without any success.

Do remember acceptance is a process and need to be worked on everyday basis. If you are ready for being a better individual come out of your partial acceptance mirage and then you’ll see there is no limit for growth!

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life’s challenges vigorously. Don’t numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.” – J. Donald Walters

Live the Pain

I am going to start with a belief that we did come to a conclusion from the previous post which talked about feeling the pain. We need to feel the emotional pain, in order to heal, to lead a healthy, balanced life.

As Shirin beautifully described it in our forum, ” Pain like any other emotion needs to be felt and lived through, for it to heal. Not facing it is equivalent to sweeping the dirt under the carpet…it may be hidden for a while, but under the layers it festers and the psychosomatic symptoms reveal themselves as mood swings, depression or even cancer at the physical level. Every emotion needs to be dealt with not pushed aside.”

Another relevant reason to feel the pain, which emerged from a discussion on this same topic is:

If you decide not to feel the pain, you end up developing an avoidant personality. You start filling your emptiness and void with negative choices like substance abuse, gambling etc.

Now, the next question is, if we are ready to feel it, how do we live with this painful emotion?

The first major step in starting this process is ACCEPTANCEYou’ve to accept there is a problem which is causing a negative, unbearable emotion inside you. Without acceptance no other steps could be taken. It is a crucial step because it requires a lot of courage to understand that there are things under this sun which is not under your control but at the same time this process of acceptance is liberating and empowering.

One thing which we can call as the golden rule and need to remember for most of the processes, we discuss here is : Process is something which needs to be worked on an everyday basis. It is not something which can be fixed and kept and acceptance is one of them. Once you’ve started the process of acceptance you actually get in the process of healing.

With acceptance comes the desire to grow, to change for the betterment. You start looking for answers and solutions. The moment we see our pain and feel it, we start living with it. Does that mean I am not doing anything just going through a sad phase?

Actually no, You’re working on your pain by living it and also sometimes by that you are able to the start the process of ” Let Go”. You no longer become scared or uneasy by the word pain which in turn make you live life to its fullest.

Karrie quoted Osho,  “You are sad. Go into your sadness rather than escaping into some activity, into some occupation, rather than going to see a friend or to a movie or turning on the radio or the tv. Rather than escaping from it, turning your back towards it, drop all activity. Close your eyes, go into it, see what it is, why it is — and see without condemning it, because if you condemn you will not be able to see the totality of it. See without judging. If you judge, you will not be able to see the whole of it. Without judgment, without condemnation, without evaluation, just watch it, what it is. Look as if it is a flower, sad; a cloud, dark; but look at it with no judgment so that you can see all the facets of it. And you will be surprised: the deeper you go into it, the more it starts dispersing. If a person can go into his sorrow deeply he will find all sorrow has evaporated. In that evaporation of sorrow is joy, is bliss.”

I found this great piece on internet. It talks about how to live you pain in a constructive way.

Emotional Pain is a three-pronged approach to being with pain fully.  These three prongs included:

Responsibility – How do I respond to pain? The goal here is to respond to pain with honestyloving acceptance, and soft openness.

Accountability – How am I accounting for my response to pain?

Being accountable for pain is the next step.  This means to account for it or to report about it.  In other words, really looking closely at how you are with your own pain or the pain of others.

Keeping Presence – Learning to open to pain and staying present with pain moment by moment.  Pain is soothed so quickly with simple, open, Presence.  The key here is to completely drop defenses and make sure that you interpret pain as simply pain.

I would like to end this post with a poem written by Glenn Johnson, a beautiful way to summarize our whole discussion;

Poem I recently wrote about pain in male female love relationships.

WOMEN AND MEN
glenn

Thousands of miles away.
Hearts crossing oceans of memories.
A new beginning,

Hope within hope,
Reality or dream . . .
Have we crossed the universe for this chance meeting . . .
What a challenging journey . . .
An ancient history of dreams dreamed then shattered . . .
Lessons of the heart. . .
Joyful expectations of soul intertwining with soul. . .
As naked limbs intertwine with naked limbs in ecstasy. . .
Something gained, something lost, only the heart truly knows. . .
Joyful beginning. . .
Then slow piercing of the heart. . .
Loss of trust. . .
Loss of respect. . .
Loss of love. . .
Why the existence pain. . .
Pain, cruel burden of humanity. . .
God’s punishment for our sins. . .
I know not. . .
I know that pain is not for us to suffer. . .
Pain is God’s gift to us all. . .Peculiar idea. . .
I know not. . .
Humans, go ahead, take all pain from the world and you are lost forever. . .
Pain tells us we are being mistreated. . .
Pain in the face of others says we are doing harm. . .
Pain reminds us of the place we buried our hurt. . . Pain guides us to what we must heal. . .

The maniac, the Hitler, the serial murder knows no pain. . .
When the challenge of pain is denied by us, again we are lost. . .
Pain is God’s gift to us all. . .
It is our salvation. . .

God is truly awesome. . .
Our pain leads us to God’s healing of perfect eternal love. . .
Love leads us to compassion, wishing no one harm or pain. . .
In time, we feel agony and now we know to accept God’s love is to heal our pain.

Go ahead…Indulge in it!
Wait for the last post of this series; Relieve the pain!

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