From the desk of a psychologist!

Archive for June, 2012

What if…If only?

What is the main thing which comes between us and our happiness? What is it, which stops us from living our life to its fullest?

A simple imaginative ever going comparison of  What if…If only?

Human Beings have this imaginative perfect world in which everything is great ( that is why it is perfect…Duh!). Now, in the real world, they tend to compare everything & everybody with their imaginative perfect world. Nothing real, obviously, couldn’t reach anywhere close to their perfect world counterpart and even if it does, the rating scale again goes higher.

This is true for all of us. How many of us can deny that they don’t have their perfect world in which everything is according to them, no one is there to stop them. We could have a villa full of servants, a beautiful partner without any conditions or could be the ruler of this whole world.  We also have perfect situations in which we win all the arguments and every time we open our mouth something witty or sharp comes out of it. No one can make a fool of us or disrespect us.         

Even though we very well know that its a fake world but in our real world, there is always an unconscious comparison going on. For everything, our mind whispers, what if….if only? This stops us from accepting the reality or being grateful for what we have but actually makes us unhappy, complaining and a cribber.

There is a very thin line between, when we dream of something and it is achievable and we aim for it and those situations which are beyond us. In these situations if we bring out what if…if only, it is only going to flood our lives with regret.  A very good way of judging whether you are crossing the boundary is checking with The Serenity Prayer. It’s the best tool to be as worldly spiritual as possible.

It’s simple, if you want to be happy and contented, stop looking for it. When you look for something, you always have set parameters, let go of your criteria.

You’ll find that happiness is right there, where you are!

“Happiness is making a bouquet of those flowers within reach.” – Unknown

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Shut your Mind, Listen to your Heart!

“I want to go to McDonald’s and think that it’s a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make a sidewalk with rocks.

I want to think M&M’s are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer’s day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn’t bother you, because you didn’t know what you didn’t know and you didn’t care.

All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good. I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.”- Unknown

Have you really observed a child, he is blessed with the power of innocence and love. He does what he feels like regardless of whether he is making the right moves or not. He is governed by his Heart. I agree that you’ve to grow up and learn the way of the world, but in this learning we are also learning to be shrewd, opportunist and gaining baggage of stress?

Our adult life has become a chess board, where we are always playing against something or someone. There is always a race going on in which we’ve to be on top, in return even if it means stepping over someone else’s territory, we don’t mind. The world has taught us to think, see our gain in a situation and move forward to achieve.

Sadly, in all of this we lose our innate nature of trust, acceptance, unconditional love and the beautiful gift of innocence! We become slaves of our reasoning and mind. We all have the gift of having an inner voice. The voice which guides us, shows us the path of righteousness. We keep muffling that voice everyday, till we become accustomed to living without even realizing it is there.

We have become a human machine, happiness is there but with a condition. We become happy but it is so short-lived because it is always dependent on an outer reason, it seldom comes from within.

When we are born we are not bound with chains. We are like a free bird, which knows how to fly high and be itself but as we grow social conditioning starts tying us in chains. We have to be logical and find reasons in everything. This limits us to experience the whole realm of the beauty of life, as anything which goes beyond our explanation, is trashed by our mind. We also devoid ourselves from a range of emotions because that doesn’t go with our image of a reasonable adult.

When was the last time you heard your heart’s voice?

I know we have priorities and our duties, I am not saying leave all of it . What I am trying to convey here is learning to respond to these situations with the help of the voice which lies within you. I know it is difficult to rely on a voice for an important decision, so why not start with small matters and test the results. Go for a combination of both, strike the right balance!

The world is running after spirituality. What is it? It is not a huge complex phenomenon but a simple connection to oneself. If you want to minimize the inner turbulence, start depending on your inner strength. If something doesn’t make sense to you or you are not comfortable with a decision, pause and reflect and choose the path shown by your heart.

Your brain could let you down but your heart would never! When you’ll start living in harmony with yourself, you’ll see how it will spread around you…It is a ripple effect.


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Why do we hurt those whom we love the most?

Have you ever seen best friends turning the worst of foes, lovers hating each other & brother becoming enemies? My guess would be, if you are a person who have spent a substantial amount of time in this world, you wouldn’t have only seen something like this but most probably have been a part of it.

First of all, this world teaches us to be very stingy with our love and even if we decide to spread it, trust is always an issue. Somewhere we come out of this muddle to start our journey on the path of love. This love could be for a friend, a sweetheart or a relative. We enjoy our journey till our loved one emotionally hurts us. Let’s be honest, we are human beings and sooner or later something will come in our relationship which would not please us. Two individuals could never exist simultaneously without differences.

What happens when we have a conflict with a person we don’t know very well? Nothing much, we end up criticizing the person, discussing it with a close one and totally forgetting about it.

But, what happens, when we have the same or lesser kind of conflict with a loved one?

WE WANT TO HURT THE PERSON MORE THAN THE HURT HE IS GIVING US!

It is better to hurt and make the other person go through the same hell you are going through, rather than being hurt alone. It is crazy to admit the power the other person has over you. You go into a rage and without thinking start saying or doing things which not only hurt you & the other person but also the relationship. Whenever we love a person we give a lot of power to that person and it frustrates us  when we don’t feel the same importance reciprocated.

Then comes the role of our EGO. After the episode, even if we feel bad and want to patch stuff, our ego doesn’t allow us to do so. We live with the bleak feeling which kills us, we want to be with the other person but decide to continue burning in the fire of rage even if it makes us sad and miserable.  ” I fed my EGO, but not my soul.”-Yakov Smirnoff

Then there is this expectation of being in a perfect relationship. We expect everything from one single person. We grow up with this fantasy, media makes it stronger, of having an ideal relationship which obviously means the other person need to be perfect. We can’t cope with our partners’ challenges & limitations, and that makes us mad at them. We start overlooking their positives and get caught in the web of negativities, resulting in us hurting our loved ones more and more.

We are also the closest to them, so they are the ones who know us best. It is inevitable that they are also aware of our limitations and if in a healthy relationship, they’ll share it with us. It is very difficult to take criticism from a loved one. We become vindictive and try to find immediate faults in them too, to get even!

It is always difficult to have an objective conversation with a loved one because we are always going to be in the same picture. Even after several rehearsals in our minds, most of the time a conversation ends up being an argument destroying mood as well as losing the whole point which needed to be conveyed.

All of this makes our hurt turn into Hate and the intensity of our feelings depends on how much we Love the person!

If you really want to be happy in a relationship, here are some steps:

  • Accept your partner with their challenges. No one is perfect…that goes for you too! If you feel you’re tolerating someone, maybe the other person is feeling the same.
  • Never react when you are angry because at that time your anger controls you!
  • The moment you  let go of your Ego, you’ll make space for your partner in your world.
  • Be open to positive criticism from a loved one.
  • If you feel your steps aren’t working, seek an objective view.

” Everyone says that love hurts. But that’s not true. Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.” Anonymous

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