From the desk of a psychologist!

Posts tagged ‘Human’

Why RESPECT?

“I’m not concerned with your liking or disliking me… All I ask is that you respect me as a human being.”
~ Jackie Robinson

What is it that differentiates us from animals?

According to Kazimierz Dąbrowski, the ability of humans to inhibit and transform our lower animal instincts into “higher” forces is what separates us from animals.

Going by this definition, I understood one thing, that we are born with too many basic impulses. These need to be trimmed and tamed to form a beautiful personality. We are also born with a disregard for oneself, others and our environment. As we grow and start building our identity, we start realizing the importance of RESPECT.  It is a major building block of our character.

We are nobody without our self respect. We demand respect from others to make our self esteem grow. If we actually observe our actions on an everyday basis, we will realize that they are governed by the need to be respected. We do our best to earn it whether through our intellect, behavior, heritage, strength or sometimes even try to buy it.

But, this reasoning is at an advanced level, sometimes people aren’t able to understand it. They try to gain respect without bothering to actually pass it on. They aren’t able to appreciate the cycle of respect. It is not a material gain but like all other human values, it is spread through sharing. If you like to be respected, you need to start respecting others without considering their background.

What is RESPECT?

Respect is a need which comes from within, influenced by the way you are treated. It comes from  achievements, contributions & merit. It is not a feeling of fear or obedience. It is a regard of honor which no one could force to happen, but oozes by itself where it is due and then no one could stop it.

Respect is when we show a significant amplification of attention and care through words or actions towards people or our own self.

Respect is when we modify our behavior or choice of words in such a way that it exhibits  a significant increase in attention and care and is supplemented by a feeling of admiration for their suggestions, abilities and achievements.

While researching for respect, I realized one vital point. The meaning of respect varies with age and so does its treatment.

For a child, we generally think that it is as simple as being polite and courteous but actually it is much more complex. A child is very well conscious of whether he is respected or not?

Children deserve to be heard & be dealt in a thoughtful, civil manner. Disrespect a child and he will wait for an opportunity to do the same or worse with you. A child also learns the way he is treated and the way he sees others being treated. The seed of respect starts from childhood. It can’t be taught but it certainly could be shown.

For a teenager, Respect is basically when you consider their decision. When you show them your regard, value their point of view, give them the place of a young adult. Disciplining is not being disrespectful. Don’t ever think that if you will point out their wrongs, they will stop liking you. May be they will but they will definitely start respecting you!

For an adult, the definition of respect goes to a different level altogether. It is not merely a value or attribute but a self fulfilling process. An adult learns to start respecting oneself and takes it forward to other individuals, society and nature. It is a journey of self actualization, finding oneself!

Why RESPECT?

Because we all have worth and value as human beings.

Respect is talked about a lot, people use the word all the time to generate authority, fear, love, obedience but actually it is a culture. When it is present you take it for granted but the moment it is lost, every minute is a slap in your face!

Respect is a healthy choice. Now, we know that it is a cycle, you get respect when you give it. So, for inner peace you need to be respected and your worth as a human being need to be appreciated. The mere thought of being disrespected is intolerable by all of us. I would say start respecting each human entity. Resist your basic nature of payback.

Let’s start the culture of respect by being an example… BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE!

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Practical Spirituality

One useful thing which I have discovered from my sessions is the concept of ‘ Practical Spirituality’. Now, what on earth does this complicated word mean?

There are two basic kinds of human beings; the saints & the commoner.

The saints are those, who are free from the  boundaries of  greed, materialistic comfort, emotional needs or any temptation. They are the ones we seek to guide us. For them spirituality is a way of life and by looking at them we do get inspired but at the same time anything which they do seem very unapproachable to us. We take it as something which could only be appreciated but not replicated and in a way it is true that leading a saint like life is quite a challenge.

Let’s come to our level, i.e., a common man’s life. This life is full of challenges and comes with its own share of goods and bads. Everyday is a struggle between our angel and devil side. Some days the angel wins over the devil while some days the opposite happens. There is an ongoing war of choices going on inside us, which is mainly between right and wrong. It is always easier to pick up the wrongs because they come in attractive packages and also tempts us with the shortest route to our materialistic gains. But these choices somewhere also start damaging our inside harmony and disconnects us from ourselves.

The saints, we know, leave everything because the worldly glitter is too tempting. They don’t want distractions. Their main and only goal is to find the answers of their existence. They renounce to rediscover.

Our goal is mixed; we want to acquire in this world but also there is a need to understand our entity. There are various needs in us, ranging from materialistic , emotional to self actualization. When this need is not met, we become disturbed and restless. We start seeking answers from places which are incapable to do so. If the awareness of our real need doesn’t dawn on us, we start walking on a destructive path. We start filling our voids with unhealthy habits.

One major question here is:

Is it possible to find a midway which is spiritual but also connects us with this world?

I get this from a lot of people that Spirituality & Worldly are two opposite worlds. There is a strong belief that to find goodness you’ve to leave everything in this world and start living a monk life. I disagree strongly, Divine is inside us…Why are we convinced to find it in the outside world?  Sometimes a sacred bliss could be found in a simple worldly hug you give or receive from a person.

From this thought emerges the concept of ‘Practical Spirituality’. Find your connection to yourself, as worldly possible as it could be. For a common man, it is impossible to leave his responsibilities and obligations and go in search of himself. Even when he tries to lead a life as a good person, he has to consider a lot of pros and cons on an every day basis. Then why does he need to leave everything to be spiritual? Why can’t he find his road of spirituality embedded in his everyday life only?

Spirituality is a very simple concept ( No, it is not a typo).

It is trying to find an answer to your very existence, who are you & what is the purpose of your being in this world? We are all born with innate goodness and there is a lifelong magnetic attraction towards this divine part of us.   

For some, it takes ages to figure it out while for others it is there without even asking. It becomes more complicated when you start looking for it as a thing found rarely . This world is full of spiritual experiences, it is just that we tend to ignore it because we can’t believe that something so talked about could be found or experienced so easily.

Let’s talk about how can we be a part of this world and at the same time be as spiritual as possible:

  • The first step is to try to be a good human being, whether religious or not is another thing. Religion could be an excellent way of finding spirituality but not the only way.
  • Try not to hurt anyone’s feelings. It is very difficult to be at peace when you know you’ve disturbed someone else.
  • Sometimes just shut your mind & listen to your heart! This will connect you more to yourself than any other spiritual talk.
  • Have faith in a higher power.
  • Choose happiness & positives.
  • Stay away from being judgmental. Always try to be open-minded.
  • Live in the moment.

“There is a bridge to the sky within your soul and a doorway to healing and peace within your heart.

If we look inside and embrace our true essence we bless the source of life.”

– Micheal Teal

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What if…If only?

What is the main thing which comes between us and our happiness? What is it, which stops us from living our life to its fullest?

A simple imaginative ever going comparison of  What if…If only?

Human Beings have this imaginative perfect world in which everything is great ( that is why it is perfect…Duh!). Now, in the real world, they tend to compare everything & everybody with their imaginative perfect world. Nothing real, obviously, couldn’t reach anywhere close to their perfect world counterpart and even if it does, the rating scale again goes higher.

This is true for all of us. How many of us can deny that they don’t have their perfect world in which everything is according to them, no one is there to stop them. We could have a villa full of servants, a beautiful partner without any conditions or could be the ruler of this whole world.  We also have perfect situations in which we win all the arguments and every time we open our mouth something witty or sharp comes out of it. No one can make a fool of us or disrespect us.         

Even though we very well know that its a fake world but in our real world, there is always an unconscious comparison going on. For everything, our mind whispers, what if….if only? This stops us from accepting the reality or being grateful for what we have but actually makes us unhappy, complaining and a cribber.

There is a very thin line between, when we dream of something and it is achievable and we aim for it and those situations which are beyond us. In these situations if we bring out what if…if only, it is only going to flood our lives with regret.  A very good way of judging whether you are crossing the boundary is checking with The Serenity Prayer. It’s the best tool to be as worldly spiritual as possible.

It’s simple, if you want to be happy and contented, stop looking for it. When you look for something, you always have set parameters, let go of your criteria.

You’ll find that happiness is right there, where you are!

“Happiness is making a bouquet of those flowers within reach.” – Unknown

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Why do we hurt those whom we love the most?

Have you ever seen best friends turning the worst of foes, lovers hating each other & brother becoming enemies? My guess would be, if you are a person who have spent a substantial amount of time in this world, you wouldn’t have only seen something like this but most probably have been a part of it.

First of all, this world teaches us to be very stingy with our love and even if we decide to spread it, trust is always an issue. Somewhere we come out of this muddle to start our journey on the path of love. This love could be for a friend, a sweetheart or a relative. We enjoy our journey till our loved one emotionally hurts us. Let’s be honest, we are human beings and sooner or later something will come in our relationship which would not please us. Two individuals could never exist simultaneously without differences.

What happens when we have a conflict with a person we don’t know very well? Nothing much, we end up criticizing the person, discussing it with a close one and totally forgetting about it.

But, what happens, when we have the same or lesser kind of conflict with a loved one?

WE WANT TO HURT THE PERSON MORE THAN THE HURT HE IS GIVING US!

It is better to hurt and make the other person go through the same hell you are going through, rather than being hurt alone. It is crazy to admit the power the other person has over you. You go into a rage and without thinking start saying or doing things which not only hurt you & the other person but also the relationship. Whenever we love a person we give a lot of power to that person and it frustrates us  when we don’t feel the same importance reciprocated.

Then comes the role of our EGO. After the episode, even if we feel bad and want to patch stuff, our ego doesn’t allow us to do so. We live with the bleak feeling which kills us, we want to be with the other person but decide to continue burning in the fire of rage even if it makes us sad and miserable.  ” I fed my EGO, but not my soul.”-Yakov Smirnoff

Then there is this expectation of being in a perfect relationship. We expect everything from one single person. We grow up with this fantasy, media makes it stronger, of having an ideal relationship which obviously means the other person need to be perfect. We can’t cope with our partners’ challenges & limitations, and that makes us mad at them. We start overlooking their positives and get caught in the web of negativities, resulting in us hurting our loved ones more and more.

We are also the closest to them, so they are the ones who know us best. It is inevitable that they are also aware of our limitations and if in a healthy relationship, they’ll share it with us. It is very difficult to take criticism from a loved one. We become vindictive and try to find immediate faults in them too, to get even!

It is always difficult to have an objective conversation with a loved one because we are always going to be in the same picture. Even after several rehearsals in our minds, most of the time a conversation ends up being an argument destroying mood as well as losing the whole point which needed to be conveyed.

All of this makes our hurt turn into Hate and the intensity of our feelings depends on how much we Love the person!

If you really want to be happy in a relationship, here are some steps:

  • Accept your partner with their challenges. No one is perfect…that goes for you too! If you feel you’re tolerating someone, maybe the other person is feeling the same.
  • Never react when you are angry because at that time your anger controls you!
  • The moment you  let go of your Ego, you’ll make space for your partner in your world.
  • Be open to positive criticism from a loved one.
  • If you feel your steps aren’t working, seek an objective view.

” Everyone says that love hurts. But that’s not true. Loneliness hurts, rejection hurts, losing someone hurts. Everyone confuses these with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all the pain and makes us feel wonderful again.” Anonymous

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Relationship : What makes it work?

Relationship: is an association between two or more people that may range from fleeting to enduring. This is a definition I got from the internet which actually describes the crux of relationships, but as an individual surrounded by it, we know it is not this simple.

“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships. “- Anthony Robbins.

In other words, our relationships make us, who we really are! I have read somewhere this amazing comparison; Just as ants make anthills, human beings makes relationships.

All of us crave to make the most of each and every relationship in our life; be it a friend, coworker, family or a loved one. We try and try, most of the time oblivious to what exactly we are working on?      

We work really hard on different relationships and our roles in them. We try to be or get the best possible outcome from these relationships. It is what makes our support system, gives us strength to deal with life issues and be sane. But, have we ever wondered what is the source of having what we call as ‘Ideal Relationship’ ?

As I have already shared, It begins with You!

For the success of any relationship, we need to begin from within. Have you ever even considered a possibility of a relationship with yourself?

Working on our inner turbulence, the miscommunications and disparity of thoughts within ourselves. Have you ever heard more than one voice coming from inside you and sometimes it has reached to a level of chaos? Is there a problem cropping up in your relationships, which reappears even after great effort from your behalf? Are your relationships making you emotionally exhausted and you find yourself craving for space?

If these questions make you stop & think, then it is the time to reflect on your relationship with yourself.

Is this even makes sense because if we go by the definition, it clearly states that a relationship is only possible when more than one person is involved. But, let’s look at where is all this originating from? Isn’t it from a relationship we have so far conveniently ignored?

The way we treat ourselves, if someone else treats us even 1/10oth of that, we would kill that person! We have never given ourselves equal rights, let alone the privilege of a relationship. Imagine someone you won’t even give a second glance, you actually place yourself in the same category.

You are seeking answers in this world but the truth is, it lies within yourself. You’ll listen to anyone and everyone but would certainly make your inner voice shut.

Let’s get back to the Serenity Prayer, the only thing which we can change in this world is ourselves but sadly we spend most of our lives changing others. We keep on doing so ignoring the need to work on the relationship which could yield results.

Break the dynamics of any relationships ( as also shown in the picture) and you would find that the things which need to be worked on to achieve optimal relationship status is a quality you either need to change or inculcate.

Let’s give it a try. Start building relationship with oneself. Take some time out…Say hello to yourself. Let the journey begin!

“You cannot be lonely if you like the person you’re alone with. “-  Wayne W. Dyer

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The world of duality: Coexistence of Good & Bad

 

The topic for this post came to my mind after the feedback I got on my earlier posts. They were in extremes. Either people loved it or disliked it completely. I would be honest and say it did hurt but then the positives were too strong to help me deal with the criticism. This whole process made me think about, if facing a bad feedback is so painful then why this painful emotion exists.

The answer lies in the Duality of this world. Nothing in this world exists without its opposite.

If there is GOOD, there is BAD;                              

If there is a DAY, there is NIGHT;

If there is SWEET, there is SOUR;

If there is SOFT, there is HARD;

If there is a FRIEND, there is a FOE;

If there is HAPPINESS, there is PAIN.

Our experiences with this dual world actually make us strong. The appreciation for the good things also comes when we go through the hard facts of life. How could you even imagine, dwelling in the sweetness of your success if you have never tasted failure or understanding peace with total absence of wars?

I have seen so many people ( and I’ll include myself in it), without complaining going through all the positive experiences in this world and the moment life presents them with a challenge, they say ‘ LIFE IS NOT FAIR.’ Actually it very much is, it is just that when we are going through the positive time flies, while going through pain, every minute seems like eternity. This makes us think that our life is full of only tough moments.

Duality exists within us too. No one is white or black. We all are grey. We are not totally good or bad but a mixture of both. We have our phases of light and darkness. We have our own share of right and wrong choices but that is the building block of who we actually are.

“In order to eat, you have to be hungry. In order to learn, you have to be ignorant. Ignorance is a condition of learning. Pain is a condition of health. Passion is a condition of thought. Death is a condition of life.”
― Robert Anton Wilson, Leviathan

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IT begins with YOU!

” We can only share, what we have”.

Whenever I try to make a person understand this concept, I always take the help of material stuff. You can only help a poor if you could afford it, which means if you have ample money to share, then only you will. Apart from a handful of saints, human beings tend to satisfy their own thirst first and then look into the outer world. If we want to be the source of something, first of all we need to have a reservoir of it.

Lets try to understand it a little better through relationships ;

So many times I have heard this, ” Even if I am unhappy, I will make my loved ones happy.”

My question is how?Your bank is empty as far as a certain emotion goes, but still you claim to lend it to others. Till now, in real life, I haven’t seen anyone making others really happy while they themselves are suffering.

Tina has a friend, whose kids are subject to her anger spats. She decided to talk to her about it. After the conversation, she realized that it is her friend who needs to first of all get her share of love and care, then only she can pass it to her kids. She has a lot of anger and frustration inside her and so she shares it.

I am sure you must have heard about energies. We carry our energy with us, it can be negative or positive. We influence others with our energy. Say, you have started your day on a very positive note but you end up spending a couple of hours with a person who is carrying negative energy. Trust me, that person has helped in bringing down a lot of your positivity. It’s similar to a conduction process. We rub our energies with each other but the strong one overpowers the group.

So, it’s a simple thing, whatever you want to have around you, start it from WITHIN you. If you want to take care of the people around you, first of all it needs to start with self-care.

Lets try to understand it by taking the feeling of happiness. I have taken this feeling because we all crave to achieve this state of mind.

Happiness within you→Happiness you share with your loved ones→And your extended social circle→which in turn is spread all around you.

If you are right now cribbing or complaining about something and is not happy with how things are going. Take some time out and start the change from within you. Come out of your ‘Self Pity’ and do something about it.The POWER is in our hands to make the world a better place to live.

 

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Introverts: Myths & Facts

Being a psychologist from almost a decade now and a good part having been spent with kids, often I have been faced with this concern, ” My child is an introvert, how could I fix  him/her? I don’t really know whether it is our country or a global phenomenon, but my answer of “there is nothing wrong with being an introvert” is never enough. So, when I came to this post by an amazing, intelligent, sharp, introvert friend of mine, I HAD to share it.

Some Myths about Introverts. Super Interesting ! and Super True !

From: http://www.carlkingdom.com/10-myths-about-introverts

Myth #1 – Introverts don’t like to talk. This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Myth #2 – Introverts are shy. Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Myth #3 – Introverts are rude. Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting

Myth #4 – Introverts don’t like people. On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Myth #5 – Introverts don’t like to go out in public. Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Myth #6 – Introverts always want to be alone. Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Myth #7 – Introverts are weird. Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Myth #8 – Introverts are aloof nerds. Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Myth #9 – Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun. Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Myth #10 – Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts. A world without Introverts would be a world with few scientists, musicians, artists, poets, filmmakers, doctors, mathematicians, writers, and philosophers. That being said, there are still plenty of techniques an Extrovert can learn in order to interact with Introverts. (Yes, I reversed these two terms on purpose to show you how biased our society is.) Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

For all the beautiful minds there, I know you already know this but a confirmation is never bad!

P.S. I wanted to put a nice, happy picture of an introvert but Google went with the general perception. Found thousands of sad, depressed pictures of introverts which made me feel sorry even for the Google guys 😉 God, show them the right path…Amen!

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